Ten reasons why I didn’t attend the inauguration

10 No free ticket came in the mail
9 I have a fear of long lines for inadequate quantities of overused and underserviced port-a-potties
8 I was a bit too “bold” on my Priceline bidding

7 I’m saving my frequent flyer miles for the Garlic Festival

6 I am only interested in socialist speeches when they are given by men in olive green military uniforms

5 It is all just hot air until you actually do something

4 I’m too old to settle for just “feeling good” about something

3 I would hate to miss Ed McMahon showing up at my door

2 I am so ticklish that I might pee myself when I was being patted down by Security staff

1 I’m trying to reduce my sulfur footprint